if you know me, you know i'm a worrier. i worry. about lots. most of the time. & if you really know me, you also know that it's something i try hard to deal with. i make little victories everyday. leading a healthier, happier life working towards understanding my anxiety.
with two little ones under the age of two... i worry about them. but more so i worry about myself in respect to them. my parenting. my patience. my understanding of their needs. my role in their lives & the responsibility i have to make sure i'm doing it all to the best of my abilities. my husband & i talk about this a lot. we try to ease each others fear or give each other a little pat on the back when we need it.
i asked him the other day "how do you know if you're doing okay? i look at other parents & they know they've got it under control. they look you dead in the face & say 'oh... my kids never went through that! they've always (shared, played nice, got along with their siblings, respected their parents, got perfect grades, obeyed... whatever perfect thing it... their kids were just born being the best at it!). it makes me feel so isolated. like, i'm the only one who feels this way." he said something that shocked me! "but this right here is what makes us good at this parenting thing." ummm, huh? i just stared at him. for a long, awkward time.
"it's this conversations. these conversations. where we talk about what's going on in our children's lives, good & challenging. it's when we chat for hours about how much we suck & what we'd like to get better at." i was confused. "talking about things doesn't solve them." i said. "no, but if we were like those other parents, we would only talk about how perfect our kids are & how everything that happens is someone else's fault or problem. how perfect we are as parents. & that would be that! our kids change every second of everyday & these talks help us keep up with them. heck, we change every second of everyday, i couldn't imagine thinking we, or our kids were perfect because it would be such a disservice of our potential as individuals & as a family. if you think you've got it, you never learn. you never make things better. you never grow & change into a better version of yourself. when you're a better version of yourself, you make everyone around you better versions of themselves too. i would hate to give away my power to evolve & make the best environment for all of us, just to upkeep the illusion of perfection."
sorry!? who knew i was married to the male version of Oprah!?
it clicked for me. yes. he was right. the conversation is the change. the understanding of the power you have lingering in each thought you think & each word you say is exactly where & why & how you're doing your best in every way possible.
i needed him to show it to me. sometimes being in your own head with your thoughts it so consuming. letting those thoughts out & having someone reflect the message back to you clearly & without judgement is how that truth finds it's way to you. to comfort you.
i think back on those time when i was in the presence of those parents i mentioned, when my kid was just being a kid or i was just being the best mom i knew how to be & i feel sadness to think that instead of making a connection with me, they chose perfection instead. instead of leaning in & taking hold of the humanity of the situation, they backed away. they used their words to make me feel alone. we reflect almost perfectly onto everyone else, what we feel inside & i know now, after working through it, that they are the ones who feel alone.
i know you can't control people. & i know everyone's in a different place on their personal paths but i just hope that after sharing this little bit of of my parenting journey it will inspire you to take a second before you speak. or judge. or look away.
we don't know what others have gone through & we can't understand how they're feeling inside but we're all human. we all have feelings. insecurities. sadness. pain. happiness. joy. fears. these things are universal. we all go through them in different ways, at different times & in varying degrees but the connections are there. the potential for connection is the same, if we're willing to make them. take every opportunity. no more lost connections.
mama in bloom// xo